i'm just not that into it

not that i doubted it for a second :|

first i suck at boring housewife stuff like rolling out cookie dough to 1/8 of an inch thick. it seems so completely trivial to be worried that all the cookies will be of equal thickness, when people are living in their cars and don't even have a kitchen to bake in. sigh... so as a result the cookies all baked unequally and some are burned and crispy and some are as thick as biscuits :| but on the plus side, we get to eat all the ugly reject cookies :)

second i absolutely lost my mind today assembling 10 boxes of cookies, brownies and bon-bons for teachers. it sounds easy and almost like it might be 'great fun', right? well it's not easy at all - and it's definitely no fun whatsoever ... never again will i attempt to be the kind of mom who does stuff like this (and then claims it was 'great fun') :|

next - i let my 5 year old listen to Lady Gaga this morning...... i don't know why on earth i did that, knowing how eidetic that 5 year old's memory is. he immediately sang the line about the disco stick (which in his defense is really catchy and plays constantly in my head: alongside 'annie are you ok? say, annie are you ok? are you ok, annie?), wondered if he could have a disco stick for christmas, if you can shoot people with a disco stick, and umm, momma, what IS a disco stick anyway??? back to the dreadful played-to-death christmas playlist, i guess :|

now i am patiently waiting for the children to run along to bed so i can watch the next season of 'dead like me'... which i am pretty sure would give them nightmares if i attempted to watch it between the hours of 6am to 8pm. our dvd player has finally recovered after being dropped in water last week. and it didn't seem wise, given the terrifying sizzling smoke smell coming from it, to tempt fate by watching a show about untimely deaths on it. but now the smell is gone (i think - sniff sniff sniff... nope nothing!) and we are back in business!!! off to bed xo

a scary home movie with fed-ex truck sound effects (it's the week before christmas around here)

yawn

i have sooooo much to do today and so little energy to do it with. it's all pointless housewife stuff like make a scarf for the teacher, buy american express giftcards for the teacher, make cookies for the teacher but still it's the kind of stuff Martha would have on HER daily planner if she had young unestranged children and wasn't already scheduled today for:

1) NBC today show appearance*
2) yoga
3) chandelier dusting
oh and it's Jane Heller's birthday, whoever the hell she is.
*subject to change

ps... do you really think Martha dusts her own chandeliers...? after being on the today show...? i think she more likely had a remote control cattle prod thingie that she alerts her staff with, to do such menial tasks... surely?

one thing i do love about Martha - she doesn't go to church on sundays and that makes her ridiculously cool and honest in my book. and i checked saturdays in case she gets it out of the way but no. she just doesn't go!

oh well back to the buckets of cookie dough, sprinkles, scarf fabric, etc. back later xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxxoxoxox

drinkin'
diet coke for a change. i should make it my facebook update 'finally sitting down with that glass of diet coke' ;)

hopin'
the disneyland build-a-bear has a Bobama puppy i can make tomorrow :) Danny wants to make a woolly mammoth and i want to make a fluffy black puppy with oversized white paws

update... they DO have one - three cheers!!

listenin' to
lovegame by the most awe-some lady gaga (even though the 'i wanna to take a ride on your disco stick' line makes me giddy - she is just plain sassy and fun and i like her a whooole lot :)

lovin' that
it's 3:33 minutes long. i keep a list in my head (i should make a playlist, huh :) of songs that last 3:33 minutes long - there are many for some reason

hatin' on
some random woman at preschool, who bugs me for absolutely no good reason, other than she's just hopelessly generic, and far too dull to even make eye contact with. she has a 50d and uses the built-in flash for heaven's sake (so i guess technically i do have a good reason:)

wonderin'
which mommy at preschool is 'the one that looks like a zebra'... i have figured out which mommy is like a tiger but the zebra is a real head scratcher :|

also wonderin'
how on earth there are NO TICKETS left for 'walking with dinosaurs' on 4 september 2010 when the tickets cost $93 each! that does not compute :| not that i can book to go to something that i would have to take my dinosaur obsessed KINDERGARDENER to - nope, that doesn't compute at all :|

also also wonderin'
how anyone can listen to pandora.... you can only skip 6 songs per hour - i skip 6 songs per minute, i have music listening ADD and can't possibly play a song to the end no matter how awesome it is :| and just because i love REM doesn't mean i like coldplay.... or live versions... or weezer???! awww i can't fast forward anymore, back to tune wiki. sweet little iphone, don't ever die on me!!

gratitude overflowing for....

• my arms. i watched 'born without arms' today and was ashamed of my constant whining and aleve popping over my missing thumbtop (which is still bleeding as i accidentally stuck a bandaid on the skin flap today and then tore it off without realizing... yes ouchhhhheeee) anyway, having no arms would truly suck.... one woman had to pay for her coffee with her foot, keep the receipt in her shoe and then carry her coffee with her chin. if i did that the lid would pop off and scold me and ruin my outfit and i would cry and go back to bed and never get up again. having to keep the receipt in my shoe ALONE would make me crazy.... i hate having even a grain of sand in my shoe and i am sure her feet are way more sensitive than mine :|
• bedroom dvr and the slew of compulsive shows such as the above-mentioned, waiting to be watched in bed
• my iphone. we're attached at the hip. i even have to wear pockets now to accommodate my bpf :)
• air and simple gifts and Obama's first year in office... and the collective sigh of relief from all over the world (excluding the square states but it's their turn to grind their teeth at night :)
• fresh milk chocolate sent all the way from England xoxo
• MJ's music. when my kids hear him, it's like someone pours energy into them and they come to life :)
• dark velvet starry skies and foggy overcast mornings
• jo malone nutmeg and ginger and dkny cashmere mist
  
• every last christmas thing being done so we can spend this entire weekend together in the perfect red-decked cottage, just us and no-one else around
• good good good good friends
• the song 'river' on my ipod by like 10 different artists :)
  
• a mailbox full of hand written christmas cards
  

it's impossible...

to find a tv you can hang on the bedroom wall above the linen chest that measures 32 inches, no more no less, that has an invisible dvd player in it's side, that will arrive this week for under $350, tax and shipping included. am i asking for the moon and stars??! apparently :| we'll just keep hitting the one we have i guess :|

i made lofthouse cookies on friday and i love them. i was in albertsons about to purchase a box of stale lofthouse cookies with ugly generic sprinkles for $3.79 when i thought i would ask my iphone if it had a recipe and sure enough, up popped all the ingredients :| so i dashed home and made them. and i love them! sure i love all the cookies i make but these are magical undersweet rolled flat pillows of fluffy biscuit with supersweet frosting to make them taste american and processed and super yummy. i'm making them again today :)

off to put a dozen more bandaids over my missing thumbtop.... it's pretty gross and scary for small children to see :| and Danny need to get out of pjs because he is begging to run to harbor freight tools for a bullhorn :) oh yes, it's going to be a wonderful day around here!

strep throat tests, chicken noodle soup and the smell of the costco tire center

... what are things that make me heave?

also: that new orange county housewife. oh gawd i don't just not like her, she is the wikipedia entry for everything that's grotesque about south county. i of course don't know her name but she is the one who dotes on her disgusting goatee chauvanistic pig of a husband who doesn't say please and thank you, and she comes from the midwest (i know...) and is just nauseating and all religious but in that processed, faux american way. and ps her kids aren't cute either :) yes i know, i'm going to hell - so i might as well enjoy the ride:)

i like gretchen, in fact i love her the most and am sooo on team rossi NOT barney :) and i like slade too, no wonder tamra is jealous :) i feel hopelessly sorry for haggard old lynne with that obnoxious snot of a daughter. hmm, is there anyone else worth noting? Vicki? nope :)

i can't decide if we need this bike thing for Danny. of course, i think we NEEEEED it but do we have room for it with 10 other trikes, scooters, cars, bikes...? probably not - but i still think we need it :)

i am running slightly behind my Martha Stewart guidelines for having a successful holiday season but i may wrap gifts tonight!! i even have a cool paper cutter and fancy SILVER bracelet that dispenses sticky tape (thanks to the wonderful dollar tree!!) on second thoughts... i just remembered that i sliced the top of my thumb off last night (it's STILL bleeding....), so maybe it's smart to stay away from sharp things for another day or so...

back tomorrow with news on whether it has stopped raining yet here :| it has been soooooo shockingly cold i have taken the desperate measure of buying furry snowboots (i used to mock people who wore them... till it reached 38 bonechilling degrees here, and i joined the ugg boot brigade. but i wear them 80% covered by jeans and apologize to anyone who has to look at them, but they are kind of necessary right now. it's like the north pole here :)

ings

wishing
i didn't feel so icky this morning. darn you multivitamins :|

wearing
jo malone's nutmeg and ginger to counteract the sick feeling. it kind of works...

longing
for a day off. a day of walmart and winco and nowhere to be at a certain time

hoping
kate gets a show. honestly, i thought kate was the bad guy but jon is a grade A douchebag

hating
anything ed hardy speaking of grade A douchebags

needing
to make brownies today... the deeply fudgy teeth-imprinty variety

watching
for the postman - i need my stamps so i can send out cards. i ordered them like AN HOUR ago :|

taking
forever to sift through this year's pictures. i am up to 20th may so far and totally caught up in beach house pictures of misty mornings searching for white seashells

needing
shape punchers to make more lensbaby aperture thingies :)

wishing
oh wishing for a day off.... is anyone sick today? sigh... darn you fast acting nutmeg and ginger :(

listening to
the kinks 'all day and all of the night' and all kinds of other songs that begin with A

planning on
trying out my new dictation app to blog tomorrow :)

wondering
how i got the 2.5 inch long paper cut across my hand without realizing....

anticipating
more unanswered questions tonight - we have a couple more 'dead like me's to watch ;) must take unisom

regretting
getting the dumb square cards. you can't just stick a plain old simpsons stamp on them, they costs another 20 cents and i of course don't have any of those...... and the thought of going to the post office makes me break out in raised hives

wishing
i could find a recipe for that hot chocolate fudge cake at hometown buffet :) it's probably a good thing i can't actually :)

loving
my collection of tiny glass bowls for putting in pinches of this and dashes of that in :)

making
a book of my favorite pictures of 2009. it's taking a looooong time and lots of patience that i don't have

planning our escape to
Idyllwild (not Big Bear:)

noticing
that B is for barren wasteland of good songs that begin with B :|

and moving onto
'california girls' by the beach boys :)
and 'call me' by blondie

up and at 'em...

but not really. sigh. my mind was busy last night... wondering about the inconsistencies of 'dead like me'. how come the grim reapers don't remain the way they died, ie squashed flat? how do they just change to someone completely different? how do they get a social security number and medical insurance and a bank account and stuff? if they're ghosts, how come they are visible and have to pay in restaurants? i don't get it, how can they be dead bodies but touch their dead bodies AND be a whole new person? i should stick with criminal minds at bedtime, it yields a much more restful night's sleep.

i spent a few sleepless minutes playing with my iphone at 4am. which reminds me, i need to find out if there is a way to use it sideways without it turning sideways too, therefore making me turn my head, at which point i move it slightly and it turns sideways too - it's mocking me, i am quite sure of it. anyway i hate that speaker next to the bed that plays soothing rain music. when i turn on my phone as silently as i can, the speakers start communicating with each other and the rain speaker starts to screech blisteringly loud - in the dead of night, thus giving away my guilty secret of amazon shopping under the covers at 4am. speakers are such little assholes. Aaron says i should wrap my phone in aluminum foil at bedtime. or put it on airplane mode. as if life isn't complicated enough :|

we are going to the mountaintop cabin in one week. all this 'dead like me' business has made me concerned about what we will do if the woman who owns the cabin had died since we rented it? what if we get there and it's occupied by someone dead, who is staying there because they were the one who took her soul? what then?? that show!! i am not exactly addicted but it certainly raises many questions and wonders in my head :|

in other news last night i watched cash cab with my iphone and Sam. we asked voice google all the questions and it got every single one correct :) questions about crampons, the lorax, flemish cities, decathalon events, flintstones characters, gulag, existentialism - i couldn't believe my eyes! we could have won like $10,000 if we'd been in the cash cab last night instead of bed eating ginger cat cookies! i think everyone in New York should always ask to go the furthest point of Manhattan whenever they get in a cab, just in case it's the cash cab, so they can get as much money as possible. and always have an iphone with them :)

off to start another wonderful day in the paradise that is orange county! it's soooooo cold here i am actually contemplating buying hideous furry boots :| it's that bad

martha stewart

in my ongoing quest to learn from my american idol, fresh from my inbox here is Martha's This Week's To-Dos:

1. decorate and light tree - CHECK! Horray!! i'm on track!
   
2. make gingerbread house - Martha suggests making one that looks exactly like your own house :| luckily my house looks just like the one at michaels so there seems no point going to all kinds of trouble, surely...? annnnnnd... i feel sort of guilty making something edible that won't be eaten when people are starving in Ethiopia.... so i might just skip this one for humanity's sake :)
   
3. hang finished wreaths and garlands.... i am guessing i should have perhaps started them last week...? ho hum.
4. buy stamps and mail christmas cards. oh my god!!! CHECK!!! i totally did this TODAY!!!
5. send online invitations for holiday parties. no way! i did this also today!
   
6. make or buy candles for holiday table. right.... make a candle, because how hard can that possibly be??!
   
7. create a gift wrapping station and begin wrapping presents. sigh. she has a gift wrapping station... life is so unfair. and i bet it's in an entirely separate house on an entirely separate farm. to contain all the gifts she has bought so far :(
   
8. make and freeze cookie dough. check!...ish. i have nestle tollhouse cookie dough in the freezer....? it's better than homemade, it really is!
   
9. bake cookies if you're participating in a cookie swap. umm.... well i did bake some cookies... but they were sadly too delicious and beautiful to part with ;)

oh dear, oh dear - i think next week i might just accidentally delete the to-do list :) my real to-do list is full of really important things like:

1. make birthday books for both my boys, which means actually looking through the pics and fixing/uploading/arranging/stressing/checking/rechecking/ordering/watching Mr UPS's progress compulsively on my iphone/shaking it to make him drive faster :|
   
2. compile 2009 album. repeat as above :|
3. study every guest on Dr Phil to see which ones he hugs and why he doesn't hug everyone\
4. freeze-frame the audience to see if Robin sits through the entire show from the start or sneaks in after the last commercial break to be walked out on her beau's arm :)
   
5. watch christmas in the white house on sunday (i love it when he doesn't wear a tie. please Mr President, no tie!)
   
6. print more christmas cards (i print a thousand more every year than the last year and still run out...)
   

phew. i am exhausted just typing it all out :| off to bed, i think :)