Monday, April 30, 2012

greetings from weight loss central :|

yes i know it's been a while ;)

but i have breaking news!  today is a changing day in my life!!!!  i weigh (ok, almost...) what it says on my DRIVER'S LICENSE - for like the first time ever in living history!!  either that or the scales are completely exhausted from being stepped on after each and every meal/drink/bodily occurrence (ahem sorry if TMI)

or possibly they are playing tricks on me  :|

or possibly they are even HAUNTED :| 

anyway i always superstitiously place the scales inside the exact same floor tile just in case the earth has shifted or something like that which could mask my weight loss efforts.  and this morning, i weighed four entire pounds less than yesterday (yesterday was an ugly day. i was very very depressed and unhappy about my number - i even (halfheartedly) did pilates

so i changed the scales from LBS to KG and back to LBS to try to confuse it into telling the truth.  several times - but it still had the 'good' number :|  so i moved the scales out of 'the lucky tile' - even turned them 90 degrees (which i consider to be VERY bad luck) and even checked with the less amicable scale in the next bathroom and STILL had the good number!!  and yesterday was not a good day, let me tell you... i ate ginger cats for breakfast (two servings - watching 'big fat weight loss story' just makes me extra peckish), half a box of Target pizza chickadees (don't ever buy them - EVER!!! even if you are starving especially if you are starving - they are so horribly addictive, they should be a controlled substance - also they are absolutely delicious:) and for dinner i had fried zucchini, onion rings, french fries and half a fish sandwich (hangs head in worst vegetarian ever shame)

anyway i hate to brag (she lied) but now i am only 8 pounds away from the magic weight loss goal that will secure Barack's reelection in the fall.  hip hip horray!!!  i need to write to the White House to inform the President he no longer needs to visit those horribly dull swing states and eat mediocre food with average looking people - he can just attend fabulous dinners with Hollywood stars instead - because i have single-handedly won the election for him!!  and as a reward, he could certainly take me to the George Clooney fundraiser next week, because i really really really want to go (even though i have nothing to wear....).  i wonder if George is doing the cooking....?  i wonder what the vegetarian option is... i wonder what kind of dinner plates he has - he's just a dumb bachelor so i bet they are from K Mart... i wonder if he hangs the toilet paper over the roll, like me, or behind the roll (i would need to fix this...) i wonder if he prefers to serve coke or pepsi to his guests.  i have a million wonderings you see - my mind can never truly be at peace till i have had dinner at George Clooney's house :(

anyway now i must walk/do pilates/walk more, as the election is not truly in the bag for another 8 pounds -  it's my duty as an American woman :)