Saturday, August 27, 2016

shallow wishes zero deep thoughts

wishing
people who make TV commercials would please STOP using whistling in them.  god i hate whistling in music, and though there's no whistling, i'd never ever buy a Subaru because they have the horriblest commercials and i'll never buy anything from Jordans furniture either because the man makes me s-i-c-k.  i have zero issues with Bob's Discount Furniture's commercials other than i don't actually like their furniture ;) 

wishing
for a beach house* and it can be ANYWHERE between Santa Barbara and La Jolla (i am trying to be super specific in my wishes since some wishes do come true... so Capistrano Beach or Mandalay Shores)
*A frame one storey wood on a quiet beach road NOT PCH :|  and be near a Subway and McDs.  and if Gordon Ramsay owned the place next door i would not be sad

wishing
i could also have a pool home in Palm Springs.  and a little English stone cottage (not too far from a good chip shop and a Sainsburys).  and a teeny tiny Cape on the Cape

wishing
i didn't sing SO MANY really hard Celine/Jane's Addiction songs last night.  karaoke is really bad for my throat the day after it seems :(  i'm sure it's a stress thing that my throat feels like it's closing and i have to make a serious effort to swallow

wishing
i could go to Vegas on the 1st September for the Coldplay concert.  why did they have to be in Boston when i was in LA and LA now i'm back in Boston.  seriously Chris, i'm starting to take it personally

wishing
i could fast forward 9 months and 3003 miles

wishing
for just one more Winter (or less) here :)))))))))  definitely NOT more than one :|

wishing
everyone would calm down and realize that Hillary hired Trump to run against her and make her look amazing - it's all going to be more than OK :)

wishing
Barack didn't have to leave (siiiiiiggh) BUUUUUT my hope for him is that he gets a daily talk show and he gets to talk about interesting stuff like music, sex and candy instead of super boring politically correct crap

wishing
i could place my online order from Henri Bendel.  fix your website!!!!

wishing
the Beatles would get back together (but get rid of Ringo) and play a concert in my cul-de-sac (i hate driving home from concerts ;)  failing that: Coldplay :)

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Kate Bush, Duran Duran, Coldplay, Morrissey and Glow Sharks

listening to
Kate Bush, she makes me painfully achingly sad that i'm not a truly British woman, instead i'm some weird hybrid Anglo American one with a bad accent and no roots, depth or history

also listening to 
Make Me Smile by Duran Duran, 12 year old me's favorite song.  i still love them like when i was 12 (maybe even a little bit more:)

also also listening to 
Coldplay.  i puffy heart love them

wishing
my new (PINK! FLOWERY!!) clogs didn't make such a crazy loud clopping sound when i walk. i mean OBVIOUSLY i love sounding like a horse but they are just embarrassing

also wishing
i was going to Vegas tomorrow.  it's my favorite place in the world.  OK it always has been, but with the new parking space finding system i'm just utterly obsessed with going back.  it gave me chills - and it was 115 degrees!!!!!!!

hating
the lawn.  like seriously i hate it.  it's the ugliest lawn i EVER saw, i'd rather it was dead

listening
to Glamorous Glue by Morrissey.  dear Morrissey, let's both move back to CA and be neighbors again!!!  we can get Universal Studios passes and check out a new vegetarian place every week and i'll show you where you can buy sliced English bread ;)

freaking always singing
Glow Sharks.  like every 5 seconds in my head

wondering
if anyone ever asked that strange man why he climbed Trump Tower with suction cups.... it was great inflight entertainment but then we landed and i never found out WHY????!!!!!

going to visit
Babydaddy at work tomorrow.  but strictly only for FRUIT and NOT handfuls of M&Ms.  i am saying it out loud so it is a contract.  i don't even like M&Ms.  how on earth do people eat them when there's such a thing as Smarties??????!!!!  

 Jersey Shore looks better with 20 filters on it
the kind of pic i right click and save
Princess Kate, i love you for finally being human!!!
 I love Lucy but taking a picture with her
is pretty much impossible
because it's not 1982 anymore
even in 1982 it was terrible
(that sampler needs a blue eyeshadow)
 best thing about English TV
this sign language lady- cannot watch the show for watching her :-)
 i have created a monster 
he eats $100 worth of treats a month
but who can resist THE PAW????!
 same scene every therapy
only the shoes change :|
i have a true confession: i love the word cunt,
it's a no muss no fuss to the point insult ;)

Monday, August 15, 2016

pictures (it's been a verrrrrry long time since i posted pictures.......)

Cape Cod, June 2016








 Santa Cruz

Butterbeer at Universal in LA

crawling through the Berlin Wall (??)





our favorite park before our favorite Mexican food (best.day.ever)

i want this house.  i want this house.  i want this house

or maybe a Spanish inspired LA bungalow would be peachy too

California was all yellow


looking for the freeway kids mural





El Coyote LA for his 16th birthday
totally worth flying 6 hours for - McDs garlic fries :)

i really didn't hate Hampton Inn

Ronald Reagan library - fitting a jumbo jet in a selfie: hard :|








 

Sunday, August 14, 2016

the hates :)

i love making the hates list so much more than the loves list :)))

bent back fingernails, paper cuts and torn earlobes: NO explanation necessary :|  i always wonder if being decapitated feels worse than a paper cut.  i don't EVERRRR want my head cut off :(((  please God, i am not a pray-er but please, i'll do ANYTHING!!!!

small planes flying over my house: it's completely terrifying.  i have less fear of big planes now, which is saying a lot because they scare me to death too

loud noises and shakes: they make my hair stand on end, my heart race at a million miles an hour and my stomach feel like it fell out and hit the floor.  PTSD much?? 

fruity toothpaste. SO WRONG

cold rainy thundery nights: i used to love them so much but now they make me miss and worry about Courage being out there alone and afraid (and that's the best case scenario, the worse case is still unthinkable and heart crushing)

the traffic on the 93 (at least in CA you can look at pretty people when you're dead stopped)

herringbone anything.  bleck. so 2015 and so bad-kind-of masculine (the straight kind;)

lanyards

sport utility vehicles that are scared to get dirty

American chocolate (it beggars the imagination how people here eat it in such copious amounts)

tennis shoes on tourists: i don't care how comfy they are, they look ridiculous

narcissists

VIP/front of line passes (see above;)

pretentious pretty fancy expensive food.  it's poop waiting to happen, that's all it is

three paragraphs when three lines would do

emoji-less texts (seriously???!)

Dunkin Donuts

anything Kardashian or Kanye (her ass makes me feel ill, and so does her grotesquely swollen butt;)  

children singing

long fingernails

wearing more than 2 pieces of jewelry (unless you're a jewelry tree:)

black socks.  like: EVER!

private beaches - all beaches should be public for all the people

Sunday afternoon

loves

i love:

Maltesers.  if Malteser-eating was an olympic sport, i'd have 1,000,000 gold medals and hopefully a contract as the face of Maltesers, for which they would send me shipping containers full of them and a gumball machine with just Maltesers in it and a ballpit full of Maltesers   

Jo Malone fresh mint cologne (every.single.solitary.bottle of perfume burnt in the fire but i kept the charred black bottles anyway because it's THAT important and reasons to keep breathing were kind of a big deal. even if the scent wasn't quite the same, it was better than the smell of charred former home.  and because it's discontinued. because: of course it's discontinued, eyeroll)

Coronation Street in bed with granola and creamy almond/coconut milk in a pretty polkadot bowl with a polkadot spoon

the 99 cent Store and people who love the 99 cent store

solar powered dancing chihuahuas

un-designer clothes

un-designer cars

Coldplay.  they sound like a somewhat rainy but mostly sunny brilliant Summer in England

really clean shiny floors

Facebook: the place, not the thing

Karaoke parties for two

Garnet Hill camis

cat pyjamas

Primark

Flying Tiger

fresh mozzarella ANNNNNND low moisture mozzarella pizza: i CAN NOT POSSIBLY pick a favorite.  it's ALL GOOD!!!

white country curtains with bobbly-trim

the sound of heavy rain in my new bedroom when it falls on the deck

my perfect Jenny Lind bed (king size: impossibly hard to find)

a warm facecloth to rinse off cleanser

polkadot toenails (must be Essie Midnight Cami ;)

my Age Concern store Louis Vuitton purse, heck yes i'll carry a $8 designer bag!

Seasalt.co.uk (I LOVE YOU!!!)

Cath Kidston dresses

the smell of Boots the Chemist

Marks and Spencer percy pigs

vintage postcards of places i adore

finally sleeping in my bed after a looooong-ass-haul flight

Teresa Guidice (always on her side)

Britney Spears (ditto)

Duncan Jones (imaginary British best friend in my wildest dreams)

eating fresh blueberries in McDonalds vanilla soft serve

the Kate Spade store by my house.  it may be an outlet but it's not a museum for awful designs and garish colors like most outlet stores

going away from here.  seriously.  it's a sticky dirty vortex that is impossible to get out of.  and getting away is like trying to fly a rocket to the moon with no gas.  it requires an exhausting amount of energy and determination

baby lotion

pale pink patent ballet flats

Barack Obama.  always and forever.  i'm already dreading the day he dies

David Bowie.  i for real dreaded the day he would die and it was as gut-punching and free-falling as i thought :(

The Range.  Dun Elm.  John Lewis.  soooo homesick for home stores that sell pastel pink washing up bowls, dotty dustpans, bunting embroidered onto feather-filled pillows and serve afternoon tea for 2 pounds 75


back with the hates later........................................


still falling

seriously feeling
breathless and broken in two 
did i ever mention it's been the WORST.YEAR.EVER.
and now it's more than a year so.... worst more than a year ever i guess.  how long till the world isn't so horribly broken anymore.  every last little thing in the world is broken somehow or at best, badly mended with visible weak spots

ridiculously craving
Del Taco macho nachos: they are a therapeutic healing mess of wonderful melty jalapeno cheesy good/badness
greek salad.  whatever is in feta cheese: my body NEEEEEDS it :|
excedrin and diet coke (i gave up giving it up for now)

desperately seeking
a light blue Shabby Chic comforter with a ruffled trim (not ruffles on the quilt itself, no siree) and pretty pink/white flowers.  i'd take a green comforter at a pinch...
flowery painted clogs with a heel strap 
command strips that fix bigger problems like hanging shelves and curtains (i fear this house so much i don't want to put holes in it, in case it falls down again.  seriously, every structure feels like paper these days)
the perfect hotel on the perfect beach with the perfect 2 bedroom 2 bath suite.  and breakfast and direct beach access and kitchenette and plentiful parking and close to a McDonalds (WHY is this so hard to find???)

hopefully wishing
for things to be back to normal or at least have no visible worrying cracks
to stop clenching my jaw so hard it hurts to eat
to find a mouth guard that isn't vomit-inducing
for this place to go the fuck away - and in the meantime, please shut up too, PLEASE!
to sleep at night without taking 3 different pills, spraying my pillow with sleepytime spray and covering my entire body with calming lotion and baby powder.  SO FUCKING TIRED of being at 3%

hopelessly missing
people who act their mental age not their actual height in inches if not centimeters (for real: eyeroll).  New England: you're just too too old for me. or i'm too young for you.  or both.  but the gap is getting bigger everyday and i'm NOT turning into dust anytime soon and especially not here

kinda hating
96% of men and 90% of women and 3% of dogs (the little white pedigree ones who steal homes away from big black mixed breed dogs) i don't hate any cats
that i don't have a friend like me.  i'd text me all day long.  and chain-watch Embarrassing Bodies/Coronation Street with me.  and leave carrot and raisin bread on my doorstep for no reason whatsoever.  and go to the beach or Walmart at the drop of a hat with me :)  and i'd even share my chocolate with someone like me. but not my favorite pairs of shoes...
that David Bowie is STILL DEAD - the (dumb sooo not funny) joke's over, wake up already

back later............

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

chandeliers, resort fees, little bunny foo foo and cat hunger strike

i've pretty much given up on the idea of the house having lights that i actually find attractive.  light is infinitely better than darkness, so any chandelier will do* :|  (*but not really... some really are vomit inducingly awful)


don't you hate resort fees?  i just canceled a hotel because of one.  just charge me $25 more and don't make me pay for parking, free local calls (I HAVE A PHONE AND BESIDES I HATE MAKING PHONE CALLS!!!) and 2 bottles of bedside water and we will both be happy (me: not so much happy but not totally pissed off before i even arrive...)

Little Bunny Foo Foo (sung by an adorable kindergartner missing his front teeth) has been playing on an eternal loop in my head of 70 hours nonstop.  and i am NOT complaining, i love it :)

i hate candles with a passion but i found one i love SO MUCH i want to burn it forever.  or at least warm the wax forever, candles are terrifying :|  it is called Empress Gold and according to online it doesn't even exist.  so today i'm going back to Wegmans to BUY THEM ALL!!!!!  ALL THE CANDLES ARE MINE!!!!  it smells like Chanel Mademoiselle and wonderful date nights and meals you make that actually turn out fantastic you eat the whole meal from the pan and really clean pretty houses and snuggles and early Spring and from the hair salon flippy hair.  in short: i love Empress Gold (whatever it is - i hope i didn't dream it...)

whoever flies a helicopter around and around in circles over my house every single day, since it was hit by a plane, please please take one last good look/picture/video and then stop.  you're freaking out the people rebuilding the house. they are seriously ducking for cover.  and they weren't in the house when it was actually hit by a plane :|

the cats have gone on strike.  they will ONLY eat treats :(  and ONLY Temptations.  and ONLY surfers delight Temptations, not beachside crunch Party mix (which i bought on sale... they will not accept substitutes).  if i move, they herd me to the Temptations stash.  and hold me at clawpoint till i empty the entire container out.  i have created ungrateful monsters :| 

i got a thing to ask me to go for jury duty and i really hope i get picked!  i can tell whether someone is guilty instantly, purely based on external factors like whether their eyes twinkle, how up to date their hairstyle is and whether they do that foul nose snort thing when they swallow.  maybe i should become a judge???








Tuesday, February 16, 2016

five things times 2 weeks = 10 things. hmm right

i'm in chandelier picking hell.  seriously it's a real place and it's migrainey and either too garish or too boring and unexpainably expensive and truly dreadfully awful

but we did pick a countertop.  it's called Cambria which is latin for Wales and also a nice place in California:)  it's so pretty!!! this is one thing off the stupidly long list of things that make me grind my teeth and stay up all night

also off the list: taxes.... i haaaaaaaaaaate taxes (but i do quite like the little refund that shows up 10 days later :)  

coincidentally i'm going home in 10 days.  i think going home should be covered by health insurance. it's THAT important! 

i really love chinese food.  i N-E-V-E-R thought i would say that :| and sushi.  i N-E-V-E-R thought i would say that!!!!

and middle eastern food.  i had toum on toast for breakfast :|

i still love pizza.  but not as much as the above two mentioned food groups (????)  

Lady Gaga being David Bowie at the Grammys = vomit inducing.  like bad cheap Vegas.  dear David, that is NOT what you sounded/looked like :|  AT ALL!!!!!!


the word par as in par-baked really bugs me.  why not just call it parT-baked?  why?????

also i'm in a world of confusion over my rice cooker.  i have rice and parT-boiled rice.  i don't know if you can boil parT-boiled rice in it?  urgh, how did i get sucked into the craziness of buying (sooooo many packets of) parT-boiled rice before i discovered the magic of the rice cooker???!!!  seriously!!! also: i want to invent a pasta cooker.  who has time for pans and standing around timing/stirring food????

we went to the Bernie Sanders office on Saturday.  i wanted a bumper sticker but i came away empty handed.  hmm.  the materialist, plastic-smell-loving, 6 year old me was so disappointed.  not in Bernie because i am sure he would have given me a bumper sticker, but in his volunteers. i'll still vote for him but i DO expect a bumper sticker in return.  in the mail is fine.

off to paint and get some chinese food :))))))))

Thursday, February 04, 2016

bra camis, homework, shittastic asstastic Comcast (you suck) and New York City

Garnet Hill has their amazingly awesome bra camis back.  they were gone, discontinued, supposedly for all time, for TWO ENTIRE inferior-but-much-more-expensive-bra-cami-hating YEARS.  this kind of shit should be illegal.  seriously a felony to take away something i love so deeply.  but it's back so Garnet Hill, you're off death row for now

when it's 7:48am and the bus comes at 7:55am and your kid realizes as he picks up his backpack that  he didn't start his vocabulary homework yet and starts to blub and you run to the computer, hands shaking, to basically do it yourself in under 7 minutes because if you do the drive thru lane you will want to kill people who have to get out of the car and put their kids' backpacks on their backs...?  urgh, that's the worst feeling in the world (OK, it's in the top 100 for sure) they don't tell you this kind of shit is going to happen in What To Expect When You're Expecting or the doorways of fire stations would be littered with babies :|

fuck you, ridiculously slow internet connection when i need to find out what ornithopter means.  FUCK YOU.  it's OK, Comcast, no thanks to you i figured it out in my head thanks to years of pointless latin!  you suck donkey balls and don't deserve my business other than there's only one option (so how is that an option????!)

and fuck you printer too.  the bus is actually coming down the street and you're thinking about the print request.  you and the internet should run for the the republican nomination.  because you both SUCK the life out of life

i want to go to New York this weekend.  NYC is my dog beach.  i neeeeeeed the dog beach.  and pizza :)  and wide angle pictures of skyscrapers :)  and banana pudding from Magnolia :)  and just not to be here.  sorry Massachusetts but you're not New York ;)

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

in love with Jeremiah (and i hate names with -iah at the end!)

omg computer/internet/whatever, could you be ANY slower????  i swear my computer in 1996 when it made all those purring and pinging noises to connect to AOL was faster.  (what was all that noise about...)

last night i couldn't sleep thinking how awful it would be to be blind.  it would be AWFUL to not be able to appreciate the difference between inset and overlay cabinets.  to end up with tragic leopard skin countertops (though on the plus side, you wouldn't see how dirty they are...), to not be able to watch Nate and Jeremiah's 'where are they now?' on OWN.  i guess you could listen to it but really you have to SEE it.  like, you REALLY HAVE to SEE it!!!  i never thought i would say this about one of my pretend husbands but i think Jeremiah is actually even nicer than Nate.  I LOVE HIM!!!  i have to add him to my list of pretend husbands. 

one more thing that kept me awake last night: what if the house catches fire again and we all escape via the farmers porch but the cats/dogs are too scared to jump.  urgh.  is this why i am supposed to go to therapy?  i skipped an appointment last week to have coffee with a friend instead (same as therapy but funner and cheaper, right?) but now i can't sleep.  like EVER.

i have 23 pieces of furniture in my Joss and Main shopping cart.  i want them all.  even though 7 of them are king sized beds :|

i'm addicted to maltesers.  there must be something in them that i am severely lacking nutritionally.   i must go home and get more humongous boxes.

is that five?  can i stop??!  hurray!