Tuesday, June 13, 2017

a long update after the longest pause ever

after the loooooongest (almost) year ever.  stuck in purgatory waiting, not buying anything new, because duh: packing even more stuff would be even suckier, wondering what's next, planning but not forcing things to happen because if you force it, you might and most likely will break it :|

today i ordered our new ADDRESS STAMP!  and the zip code starts with a 9.  followed by a 2 where the streets have protected left turns and everywhere has it's own parking (ORANGE COUNTY!!!!!!)

did i mention it was the loooooooongest year ever.  my prozac dose TRIPLED.  my legs were supremely restless.  i couldn't EVER remember why i went into a room.  i ALWAYS got super sick on planes which is new and awful.  i was up to date with Corrie every single week (ie lots and lots and lots of weekend downtime) i got a stomach ulcer.  the kind that bleeds till you're so weak you can't climb 13 stairs to bed without almost dying twice, turning blue and gasping for breath.  less stress, more rest, more iron, less aleve.  more protein, less sugar (riiiight) and weekly mandatory shiny refreshing yoga.  and i know it's wrong: but a fake tan   

Sam graduated high school.  yeah yeah no big deal but 5 months into 11th grade a bigger deal.  he passed his driving test.  he started to take out the trash WITHOUT BEING ASKED.  he got healthy and smily again. 

we are working on Danny and he WILL be ok.  i promise, eventually, again

i fell completely out of love with the East Coast.  i don't know why. ok i do but it's too mean and cold and harsh and i don't hurt people the way they hurt me

my Mum and sister completely stopped talking to me (you'll have to ask them why because i'm still not sure why, is it a bitterly cold rainy place thing...?). of course they waited till we had spent $7593 traveling to England for Christmas to see them.  THEN they decided they hated me

George Michael died.  on that shitty trip.  i'm sorry George, but NOT COOL.  don't ever die again, it broke my heart :(

i met REALLY REALLY NICE HUMAN ALIVE English people here.  they exist!  i'd totally given up hope

i took like NO pictures with my SLR camera.

but what's coming next is going to make everything worth photographing again.... back later xoxo

Monday, September 12, 2016


from cleaning the house.  urgh.  but now it smells like pumpkin spice lattes and pumpkin spice cheerios.  like the first time you walk into the arrivals area and smell AMERICA!!!! it's a mixture of AC and fake decor but it smells like pumpkin spice.  you have to be from somewhere else to smell it maybe

which - to the majority of people - is a seen as a worse crime against shoemanity: tourists at the beach wearing Crocs or tourists in a big city wearing white tennis shoes.  i know which one i think is a ticketable offense and which one is just plain common sense

that GE just gives me the rebate they waved in front of my nose when i spent $13,000 on their appliances.  they are total shitbags and say the serial numbers don't match or some bullshit like that.  note to self: make GE go bankrupt AFTER the rebate is received and cashed

to do pilates and yoga.  like in the worst way possible - it's been like A YEAR AND A HALF since i took a deep breath

that when i ask Spotify to play Duran Duran they stick in things like Echo and the Bunnymen and New Order and the Cure like i'll be OK with it.  no!  they may all be from the same country but they're different continents music-wise.  Spandau Ballet, 80s Bowie and Japan - yes, it's a match.  grey frill-less electronica - not a match

that spending 4 hours polishing each and every window in the house actually resulted in perfectly zen windows instead of unbearably disappointing streaks and still-dog-nose smudges.  i need a daily housekeeper :| and for them to never be here when i am but the house to always be insanely clean ALWAYS

Rubys and Del Taco and Johns Place and Johns Incredible Pizza and Cream Pan and In-N-Out and Mimi's.  in short i'm kinda missing the West Coast: a place i never ever thought of as home (even though i got married there and bought 3 houses there and had 2 children, all their friends and all my friends and countless pets there) until i went back and realized it's homier. kinder, prettier and rosier than the East Coast. 

not missing
the idea of not going to the Hamptons anymore (one thing in the East Coast positives column)  it was busy on the beach - not busy like it gets mid-Summer, still parking and space to be but people in my bokeh and too much traffic on the Montauk Highway.  meh.  i don't think the food is that great either, Levain cookies aside

to go to the Post Office, seriously my least favorite place of all time.  i think they only hire monsters to work there, it scares the shit out of me in there... OK, wish me luck: i'm going in (gulp)

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

tuesday things

to the movies today.  i hate the movies but i do like happy kids, popcorn and diet coke ;)

something amazingly hugely awesome happens this year.  it's a LEAP YEAR and we haven't had 'the thing' yet. maybe 'the thing' will be next year, just delayed because the world fell off it's axis for about a year....? i'll take a raincheck if it's super awesome and involves a zip code starting with 9 again and huge windows :)

to join the YMCA and unjoin the other gym that has been so nice to me... i feel kinda crappy but they don't have a lap pool or AC.  i'll miss their fresh flowers, 'lady weights room' and Monday morning yoga :(  sometimes you have to break things to remake things better (life motto)

always phantom text messages buzzes, if i keep my phone in my pocket, i feel it phantomly vibrate when it's not.  maybe it's gas... 

i have to see a heavier weight therapist.  i hope that doesn't have to cost heavier weight money, i can't afford the flimsy one :(  i have to sleep again someday and ideally reprogram my mind so i don't need drugs to do so.  (cannot.stop.obsessing.over.obsessive.thoughts.about my missing cat (every single night i think of him still lost and alone), potential danger everywhere (and i mean EVERYWHERE, even in Target), not being able to even look at the back of the house without seeing it on fire/burnt out, loud noises that make my heart race, broken kids who are back to black and white, the view from the kitchen sink after the crash, the fear of folding laundry upstairs and Sunday afternoons, burnt pets... my mind needs an off switch)

England.  technically Wales but it's all the same :)))  and Montreal.

to actually DO SOMETHING about that bloody airbag recall. on two of our three cars!!!  i'm supposed to sit in the back of my car to avoid airbag induced death.  Toyota has no clue how to fix it yet though (so i'll just keep driving in the front, i guess...?)

00 flour.  like, it's transformational!!!  we make pizza!!  and it's amazing!!!!  Scotts Pizza Tour: thank you!!!

Saturday, August 27, 2016

shallow wishes zero deep thoughts

people who make TV commercials would please STOP using whistling in them.  god i hate whistling in music, and though there's no whistling, i'd never ever buy a Subaru because they have the horriblest commercials and i'll never buy anything from Jordans furniture either because the man makes me s-i-c-k.  i have zero issues with Bob's Discount Furniture's commercials other than i don't actually like their furniture ;) 

for a beach house* and it can be ANYWHERE between Santa Barbara and La Jolla (i am trying to be super specific in my wishes since some wishes do come true... so Capistrano Beach or Mandalay Shores)
*A frame one storey wood on a quiet beach road NOT PCH :|  and be near a Subway and McDs.  and if Gordon Ramsay owned the place next door i would not be sad

i could also have a pool home in Palm Springs.  and a little English stone cottage (not too far from a good chip shop and a Sainsburys).  and a teeny tiny Cape on the Cape

i didn't sing SO MANY really hard Celine/Jane's Addiction songs last night.  karaoke is really bad for my throat the day after it seems :(  i'm sure it's a stress thing that my throat feels like it's closing and i have to make a serious effort to swallow

i could go to Vegas on the 1st September for the Coldplay concert.  why did they have to be in Boston when i was in LA and LA now i'm back in Boston.  seriously Chris, i'm starting to take it personally

i could fast forward 9 months and 3003 miles

for just one more Winter (or less) here :)))))))))  definitely NOT more than one :|

everyone would calm down and realize that Hillary hired Trump to run against her and make her look amazing - it's all going to be more than OK :)

Barack didn't have to leave (siiiiiiggh) BUUUUUT my hope for him is that he gets a daily talk show and he gets to talk about interesting stuff like music, sex and candy instead of super boring politically correct crap

i could place my online order from Henri Bendel.  fix your website!!!!

the Beatles would get back together (but get rid of Ringo) and play a concert in my cul-de-sac (i hate driving home from concerts ;)  failing that: Coldplay :)

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Kate Bush, Duran Duran, Coldplay, Morrissey and Glow Sharks

listening to
Kate Bush, she makes me painfully achingly sad that i'm not a truly British woman, instead i'm some weird hybrid Anglo American one with a bad accent and no roots, depth or history

also listening to 
Make Me Smile by Duran Duran, 12 year old me's favorite song.  i still love them like when i was 12 (maybe even a little bit more:)

also also listening to 
Coldplay.  i puffy heart love them

my new (PINK! FLOWERY!!) clogs didn't make such a crazy loud clopping sound when i walk. i mean OBVIOUSLY i love sounding like a horse but they are just embarrassing

also wishing
i was going to Vegas tomorrow.  it's my favorite place in the world.  OK it always has been, but with the new parking space finding system i'm just utterly obsessed with going back.  it gave me chills - and it was 115 degrees!!!!!!!

the lawn.  like seriously i hate it.  it's the ugliest lawn i EVER saw, i'd rather it was dead

to Glamorous Glue by Morrissey.  dear Morrissey, let's both move back to CA and be neighbors again!!!  we can get Universal Studios passes and check out a new vegetarian place every week and i'll show you where you can buy sliced English bread ;)

freaking always singing
Glow Sharks.  like every 5 seconds in my head

if anyone ever asked that strange man why he climbed Trump Tower with suction cups.... it was great inflight entertainment but then we landed and i never found out WHY????!!!!!

going to visit
Babydaddy at work tomorrow.  but strictly only for FRUIT and NOT handfuls of M&Ms.  i am saying it out loud so it is a contract.  i don't even like M&Ms.  how on earth do people eat them when there's such a thing as Smarties??????!!!!  

 Jersey Shore looks better with 20 filters on it
the kind of pic i right click and save
Princess Kate, i love you for finally being human!!!
 I love Lucy but taking a picture with her
is pretty much impossible
because it's not 1982 anymore
even in 1982 it was terrible
(that sampler needs a blue eyeshadow)
 best thing about English TV
this sign language lady- cannot watch the show for watching her :-)
 i have created a monster 
he eats $100 worth of treats a month
but who can resist THE PAW????!
 same scene every therapy
only the shoes change :|
i have a true confession: i love the word cunt,
it's a no muss no fuss to the point insult ;)

Monday, August 15, 2016

pictures (it's been a verrrrrry long time since i posted pictures.......)

Cape Cod, June 2016

 Santa Cruz

Butterbeer at Universal in LA

crawling through the Berlin Wall (??)

our favorite park before our favorite Mexican food (best.day.ever)

i want this house.  i want this house.  i want this house

or maybe a Spanish inspired LA bungalow would be peachy too

California was all yellow

looking for the freeway kids mural

El Coyote LA for his 16th birthday
totally worth flying 6 hours for - McDs garlic fries :)

i really didn't hate Hampton Inn

Ronald Reagan library - fitting a jumbo jet in a selfie: hard :|


Sunday, August 14, 2016

the hates :)

i love making the hates list so much more than the loves list :)))

bent back fingernails, paper cuts and torn earlobes: NO explanation necessary :|  i always wonder if being decapitated feels worse than a paper cut.  i don't EVERRRR want my head cut off :(((  please God, i am not a pray-er but please, i'll do ANYTHING!!!!

small planes flying over my house: it's completely terrifying.  i have less fear of big planes now, which is saying a lot because they scare me to death too

loud noises and shakes: they make my hair stand on end, my heart race at a million miles an hour and my stomach feel like it fell out and hit the floor.  PTSD much?? 

fruity toothpaste. SO WRONG

cold rainy thundery nights: i used to love them so much but now they make me miss and worry about Courage being out there alone and afraid (and that's the best case scenario, the worse case is still unthinkable and heart crushing)

the traffic on the 93 (at least in CA you can look at pretty people when you're dead stopped)

herringbone anything.  bleck. so 2015 and so bad-kind-of masculine (the straight kind;)


sport utility vehicles that are scared to get dirty

American chocolate (it beggars the imagination how people here eat it in such copious amounts)

tennis shoes on tourists: i don't care how comfy they are, they look ridiculous


VIP/front of line passes (see above;)

pretentious pretty fancy expensive food.  it's poop waiting to happen, that's all it is

three paragraphs when three lines would do

emoji-less texts (seriously???!)

Dunkin Donuts

anything Kardashian or Kanye (her ass makes me feel ill, and so does her grotesquely swollen butt;)  

children singing

long fingernails

wearing more than 2 pieces of jewelry (unless you're a jewelry tree:)

black socks.  like: EVER!

private beaches - all beaches should be public for all the people

Sunday afternoon


i love:

Maltesers.  if Malteser-eating was an olympic sport, i'd have 1,000,000 gold medals and hopefully a contract as the face of Maltesers, for which they would send me shipping containers full of them and a gumball machine with just Maltesers in it and a ballpit full of Maltesers   

Jo Malone fresh mint cologne (every.single.solitary.bottle of perfume burnt in the fire but i kept the charred black bottles anyway because it's THAT important and reasons to keep breathing were kind of a big deal. even if the scent wasn't quite the same, it was better than the smell of charred former home.  and because it's discontinued. because: of course it's discontinued, eyeroll)

Coronation Street in bed with granola and creamy almond/coconut milk in a pretty polkadot bowl with a polkadot spoon

the 99 cent Store and people who love the 99 cent store

solar powered dancing chihuahuas

un-designer clothes

un-designer cars

Coldplay.  they sound like a somewhat rainy but mostly sunny brilliant Summer in England

really clean shiny floors

Facebook: the place, not the thing

Karaoke parties for two

Garnet Hill camis

cat pyjamas


Flying Tiger

fresh mozzarella ANNNNNND low moisture mozzarella pizza: i CAN NOT POSSIBLY pick a favorite.  it's ALL GOOD!!!

white country curtains with bobbly-trim

the sound of heavy rain in my new bedroom when it falls on the deck

my perfect Jenny Lind bed (king size: impossibly hard to find)

a warm facecloth to rinse off cleanser

polkadot toenails (must be Essie Midnight Cami ;)

my Age Concern store Louis Vuitton purse, heck yes i'll carry a $8 designer bag!

Seasalt.co.uk (I LOVE YOU!!!)

Cath Kidston dresses

the smell of Boots the Chemist

Marks and Spencer percy pigs

vintage postcards of places i adore

finally sleeping in my bed after a looooong-ass-haul flight

Teresa Guidice (always on her side)

Britney Spears (ditto)

Duncan Jones (imaginary British best friend in my wildest dreams)

eating fresh blueberries in McDonalds vanilla soft serve

the Kate Spade store by my house.  it may be an outlet but it's not a museum for awful designs and garish colors like most outlet stores

going away from here.  seriously.  it's a sticky dirty vortex that is impossible to get out of.  and getting away is like trying to fly a rocket to the moon with no gas.  it requires an exhausting amount of energy and determination

baby lotion

pale pink patent ballet flats

Barack Obama.  always and forever.  i'm already dreading the day he dies

David Bowie.  i for real dreaded the day he would die and it was as gut-punching and free-falling as i thought :(

The Range.  Dun Elm.  John Lewis.  soooo homesick for home stores that sell pastel pink washing up bowls, dotty dustpans, bunting embroidered onto feather-filled pillows and serve afternoon tea for 2 pounds 75

back with the hates later........................................

still falling

seriously feeling
breathless and broken in two 
did i ever mention it's been the WORST.YEAR.EVER.
and now it's more than a year so.... worst more than a year ever i guess.  how long till the world isn't so horribly broken anymore.  every last little thing in the world is broken somehow or at best, badly mended with visible weak spots

ridiculously craving
Del Taco macho nachos: they are a therapeutic healing mess of wonderful melty jalapeno cheesy good/badness
greek salad.  whatever is in feta cheese: my body NEEEEEDS it :|
excedrin and diet coke (i gave up giving it up for now)

desperately seeking
a light blue Shabby Chic comforter with a ruffled trim (not ruffles on the quilt itself, no siree) and pretty pink/white flowers.  i'd take a green comforter at a pinch...
flowery painted clogs with a heel strap 
command strips that fix bigger problems like hanging shelves and curtains (i fear this house so much i don't want to put holes in it, in case it falls down again.  seriously, every structure feels like paper these days)
the perfect hotel on the perfect beach with the perfect 2 bedroom 2 bath suite.  and breakfast and direct beach access and kitchenette and plentiful parking and close to a McDonalds (WHY is this so hard to find???)

hopefully wishing
for things to be back to normal or at least have no visible worrying cracks
to stop clenching my jaw so hard it hurts to eat
to find a mouth guard that isn't vomit-inducing
for this place to go the fuck away - and in the meantime, please shut up too, PLEASE!
to sleep at night without taking 3 different pills, spraying my pillow with sleepytime spray and covering my entire body with calming lotion and baby powder.  SO FUCKING TIRED of being at 3%

hopelessly missing
people who act their mental age not their actual height in inches if not centimeters (for real: eyeroll).  New England: you're just too too old for me. or i'm too young for you.  or both.  but the gap is getting bigger everyday and i'm NOT turning into dust anytime soon and especially not here

kinda hating
96% of men and 90% of women and 3% of dogs (the little white pedigree ones who steal homes away from big black mixed breed dogs) i don't hate any cats
that i don't have a friend like me.  i'd text me all day long.  and chain-watch Embarrassing Bodies/Coronation Street with me.  and leave carrot and raisin bread on my doorstep for no reason whatsoever.  and go to the beach or Walmart at the drop of a hat with me :)  and i'd even share my chocolate with someone like me. but not my favorite pairs of shoes...
that David Bowie is STILL DEAD - the (dumb sooo not funny) joke's over, wake up already

back later............

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

chandeliers, resort fees, little bunny foo foo and cat hunger strike

i've pretty much given up on the idea of the house having lights that i actually find attractive.  light is infinitely better than darkness, so any chandelier will do* :|  (*but not really... some really are vomit inducingly awful)

don't you hate resort fees?  i just canceled a hotel because of one.  just charge me $25 more and don't make me pay for parking, free local calls (I HAVE A PHONE AND BESIDES I HATE MAKING PHONE CALLS!!!) and 2 bottles of bedside water and we will both be happy (me: not so much happy but not totally pissed off before i even arrive...)

Little Bunny Foo Foo (sung by an adorable kindergartner missing his front teeth) has been playing on an eternal loop in my head of 70 hours nonstop.  and i am NOT complaining, i love it :)

i hate candles with a passion but i found one i love SO MUCH i want to burn it forever.  or at least warm the wax forever, candles are terrifying :|  it is called Empress Gold and according to online it doesn't even exist.  so today i'm going back to Wegmans to BUY THEM ALL!!!!!  ALL THE CANDLES ARE MINE!!!!  it smells like Chanel Mademoiselle and wonderful date nights and meals you make that actually turn out fantastic you eat the whole meal from the pan and really clean pretty houses and snuggles and early Spring and from the hair salon flippy hair.  in short: i love Empress Gold (whatever it is - i hope i didn't dream it...)

whoever flies a helicopter around and around in circles over my house every single day, since it was hit by a plane, please please take one last good look/picture/video and then stop.  you're freaking out the people rebuilding the house. they are seriously ducking for cover.  and they weren't in the house when it was actually hit by a plane :|

the cats have gone on strike.  they will ONLY eat treats :(  and ONLY Temptations.  and ONLY surfers delight Temptations, not beachside crunch Party mix (which i bought on sale... they will not accept substitutes).  if i move, they herd me to the Temptations stash.  and hold me at clawpoint till i empty the entire container out.  i have created ungrateful monsters :| 

i got a thing to ask me to go for jury duty and i really hope i get picked!  i can tell whether someone is guilty instantly, purely based on external factors like whether their eyes twinkle, how up to date their hairstyle is and whether they do that foul nose snort thing when they swallow.  maybe i should become a judge???