i hate my metabolism

it is mean and cruel and clearly faulty, and i want to hack it to bits with a bread knife.

i haven't eaten for a month - i am so not kidding. for the past week i have eaten nothing but yogurt (70 calories and 0 grams of fat) every day for every meal (except a fish taco or two... and a mars bar... and one bowl of spaghetti) i hang on every word the thintervention woman says and scribble it down in my phone notebook - she is my new prophet.

i walk EVERY EFFING DAY. 5 miles x 3 MPH x uphill all the way x 80 degrees blistering heat x premenstrual syndrome minus Michael Jackson.... the sum of all this equals NOTHING. all my fat clothes are still tight. according to my asshole scales i haven't lost a single solitary pound. what the heck is going on???! i even gave up diet coke, ok not really but kind of, and not an ounce lost. if i could somehow make a keyhole incision in my belly button and get a small stapler inside to staple my stomach completely closed, i would. but that's the thing... that would only work because i would be forced to eat less - and i already eat NOTHING but thin air. a child sized yogurt here and there! 5 ginger cat cookies if it's a party. maybe a lean cuisine if i'm really living la vida loca. i am very very upset and i hate hate hate hate my metabolism

in other news i have wanted a keurig coffee maker for at least one year and i just saw it on sale for $50. but thanks to my asshole metabolism, i am now wary to buy anything that could throw me further into dieting disaster. my life officially sucks :( and with that i am going to dinner to drown my sorrows at wahoos:(

ps back from wahoo's - i don't like wahoo's so much anymore. that was short lived :|