death by spanx

i woke up this morning and as i was scrolling through the tv guide looking for something better than Real Housewives of Atlanta, i spotted something mysterious and wonderful sounding - "how to lose your muffin top instantly!"  i need that!!!  so i of course tuned in and saw they were just selling some dumb bodyshaper thing for like $60 that will just force all the fat into horrible jumbo sausage arms so i decided against it....

but i did decide to give my banished-to-the-bottom-drawer-of-retail-mistakes spanx another try ;)  they have sleeves so no sausage arm worries there.  i slipped them on and it was magic - my skinny jeans actually fit* and i had an actual as-seen-on-Real-Housewives-of-Atlanta donkey booty because that's where all the fat was forced to go!!  horray for donkey booties - we're going to basketball today!!!  

* seriously all my jeans are the same size (a number too shockingly ugly to say out loud EVER) and i have this one evil very mean pair of jeans that MUST be mis-sized!  they have to be!! 

i figured i would just stand up for the rest of the day because no big deal, who needs to sit or bend??!  i walked to straighten the godAWFUL slipcovers on the couch that i CAN NOT STAND and stepped into a cold puddle of pee :|  grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!! i seriously have a sore throat from screaming at the dogs for an explanation - whoever piddled is being turned into a huge pot of ungrateful dog stew and i am not even kidding.

you know what is impossible to do in spanx?  clean up dog pee without staining the knees of your skinny jeans :|  and try removing and replacing slip covers with a huge donkey booty bumping all over the place.  Aaron begged me (BEGGED ME!!!) please take them off before you kill someone/thing!!!  seriously - i don't know who invented spanx and slip covers but there's a special place in hell for both of them (next to the people who bought MY house yesterday)

so now, i'm back in my fat jeans.  and i can actually sit and breathe and not kill people!!!  and this Garnet Hill cami top which i love more than life (the cereal) itself.  best invention ever!!!!  it's a bra, it's a cami!!  in one!!!!!!!  off to basketball un-donkey-booty-less ;)